I didn’t want this blog to be me complaining about things all the time. I’m generally a pretty positive person. I still hope it won’t be like this all the time, but I’m struggling with the whole infertility thing in a major way right now.
This weekend sucked. There’s not really a better way to say it. Last Thursday I realized it was day 23 of my cycle, the last day of a window when I needed to get a blood test to see if my progesterone levels showed I had ovulated. I couldn’t go in because my husband’s truck needs to be registered and he’d been pulled over and given a warning earlier in the week and we have been juggling cars. So I decided to go in a day late because that was really the only option I had.
The month was already off to a bad start, because my period was two weeks late, and I knew it wasn’t for the reason I wanted it to be late. My body does not like to do what it’s naturally supposed to do.
I was supposed to go to a baby shower for Mike’s cousin on Saturday. I love her, I really do, but also sort of dreaded being at a baby shower and trying not to feel bitter that is not my own. I hate that I feel that way. I feel like such a horrible person, because I am happy and genuinely want to be happy for her, but those feelings sit in the back of my mind.
I ended up missing the shower because I had to work. Later in the afternoon, while running some errands, Mike told me his other cousin is pregnant. I broke down. I cried all the way home. And then I cried some more. I told him I just felt like there was something horribly wrong with me and I just knew the blood test results would be bad. He reassured me that we weren’t going to give up. That helped.
Yesterday I got the results and they confirmed my fears. Low progesterone and likely no ovulation. They’re doubling my dose of my fertility drugs that make me crazy emotional. I hope something starts working because I don’t know how much more I can take of this.
I probably shouldn’t be doing this, but I started listening to Sarah in the Women of Genesis series by Orson Scott Card again. Say what you will about him as a person, the man is a good writer. I very much enjoy this book because it looks a lot at how Sarah, the wife of Abraham in the Old Testament, dealt with her own infertility. It feels very honest, and though Card is not a woman and has not dealt with this issue personally, I really relate to Sarah as she is written in this book. It makes me feel a little better that even Sarah, the wife of a prophet, had some of the same feelings of jealousy when wanting to be happy for others and feeling alone and misunderstood that I have. I don’t know if she really felt that way, but I know other women who are going through some of the same things and feeling similar things. And that helps me feel better too.
I wish this wasn’t so painful. I wish I felt like I could talk about it, like actually talk about it out loud, workout crying. I wish people I talked to would stop asking me about our plasma for a family. I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to keep hoping that things will get better.