Hurting

I didn’t want this blog to be me complaining about things all the time. I’m generally a pretty positive person. I still hope it won’t be like this all the time, but I’m struggling with the whole infertility thing in a major way right now.

This weekend sucked. There’s not really a better way to say it. Last Thursday I realized it was day 23 of my cycle, the last day of a window when I needed to get a blood test to see if my progesterone levels showed I had ovulated. I couldn’t go in because my husband’s truck needs to be registered and he’d been pulled over and given a warning earlier in the week and we have been juggling cars. So I decided to go in a day late because that was really the only option I had.

The month was already off to a bad start, because my period was two weeks late, and I knew it wasn’t for the reason I wanted it to be late. My body does not like to do what it’s naturally supposed to do.

I was supposed to go to a baby shower for Mike’s cousin on Saturday. I love her, I really do, but also sort of dreaded being at a baby shower and trying not to feel bitter that is not my own. I hate that I feel that way. I feel like such a horrible person, because I am happy and genuinely want to be happy for her, but those feelings sit in the back of my mind.

I ended up missing the shower because I had to work. Later in the afternoon, while running some errands, Mike told me his other cousin is pregnant. I broke down. I cried all the way home. And then I cried some more. I told him I just felt like there was something horribly wrong with me and I just knew the blood test results would be bad. He reassured me that we weren’t going to give up. That helped.

Yesterday I got the results and they confirmed my fears. Low progesterone and likely no ovulation. They’re doubling my dose of my fertility drugs that make me crazy emotional. I hope something starts working because I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

I probably shouldn’t be doing this, but I started listening to Sarah in the Women of Genesis series by Orson Scott Card again. Say what you will about him as a person, the man is a good writer. I very much enjoy this book because it looks a lot at how Sarah, the wife of Abraham in the Old Testament, dealt with her own infertility. It feels very honest, and though Card is not a woman and has not dealt with this issue personally, I really relate to Sarah as she is written in this book. It makes me feel a little better that even Sarah, the wife of a prophet, had some of the same feelings of jealousy when wanting to be happy for others and feeling alone and misunderstood that I have. I don’t know if she really felt that way, but I know other women who are going through some of the same things and feeling similar things. And that helps me feel better too.

I wish this wasn’t so painful. I wish I felt like I could talk about it, like actually talk about it out loud, workout crying. I wish people I talked to would stop asking me about our plasma for a family. I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to keep hoping that things will get better.

Lofty Goals

I have a feeling I over did my goal making and should have just stuck with my writing goal. I have not done very well with either goal, as you might have noticed.

Life has been a little crazy. Work is still insanely busy so I’m stuck doing mandatory over time on the phones. I’m hoping the need for over time ends soon.

My siblings have also all been dealing with difficult issues in their personal lives. They make my troubles at work and with fertility seem a little less important, although that is always at the back of my mind. I worry a lot about them, especially my sister since she is living several states away from me and I don’t feel like I can be there for her in the way I want to. We’re all trying or best to help eachother and be there for eachother in whatever way we can.

I’ll get back on track with this blog, it just might take some time.

 

One of Those Weeks

I wish I could say I have been successful with my goals. Sadly, that would be a lie.

My period finally started a few days ago. I did say I’ve been hoping for it, but that does not mean I am enjoying it. I get the worst cramps and for the last few months the bleeding had been intense. So intense that a simple sneeze made my bathroom look like a crime scene. I’ve been popping Midol and desperately trying not to have to leave work early. This is probably TMI, but I don’t really care.

At work they announced the need for mandatory overtime for the next two weeks. Not only that, but it’s mandatory phone overtime. And I’ve been miserably stuck on the phones for long chunks of time, suffering through social anxiety.

All I can say at this point is that I made it to Friday.

Next week will be better. I actually have most of the week off of work . At the same time as my husband. This never happens. We don’t have any plans. We don’t really have the money to go on an actual vacation. I’ll be happy just staying home and relaxing. And catching up on housework. And getting back on track with my goals.

Binging: My Love/Hate Relationship with Netflix

Along with other things I mentioned struggling with, I think I probably watch way to much TV. I blame my Netflix and Hulu subscriptions. It’s so easy to fall into a show hole and find myself sitting in front of my TV six hours later watching the same show I turned on when I got home from work. It’s not unusual for me to blow through a regular season of something like Gray’s Anatomy (guilty pleasure) in a matter of two or three days and finish entire series within a matter of a couple of weeks. Faster if I have time off work and hours to supreme by myself while my husband (who works swing shift at a printing center) takes a nap.

I have a lot of shows I regularly watch. At least until I run out of episodes. My most recent binge had been a BBC show called Doc Martin. I’ve watched and re-watched Gilmore Girls so many times I can’t even keep track of them. I’ve discovered shows like Dance Academy (an Australian show I was obsessed with), Call the Midwife,  Downton Abbey, Heartland, Desperate Housewives, Bates Motel, Pretty Little Liars, Jane the Virgin and iZombie, just to name a few. I have a wide range of interests,  including documentaries, kids shows, anime, historical dramas and stuff that is basically soap operas. I am not sure why I keep watching some of these, except that it is something mindless for me to do. Some of them are super cheesy. Others I genuinely love. Regardless, I can’t seem to stop watching.

Recently I made another goal that I really need to actually work on. I sometimes feel like the amount of TV I watch is unhealthy. It probably is. There are so many other things I could be doing. So I decided to try and spend at least part of the time I watch TV doing Yoga or another exercise. I need to make this goal easier to stick to, so I’m going to put numbers on it. And writing it here is a way to make myself accountable. So, starting Monday, I am going to make it a goal to exercise for 15 minutes three times a week. I hope to do more at some point but I want to start where I feel like my goals are achievable. Wish me luck!

Struggles

I had every intention of writing twice last week and it clearly didn’t happen. Hoping to do better with that this week.

I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. And a bit like nothing is going right for me.

It started about two weeks ago when I had two emails at work from people telling me I was clearly too dumb to do my job and insisting that management should be better at hiring people who could do it (therefore insinuating I should be fired.) This happens all too frequently working in customer service, and normally I try not to let it get to me but it really did this time.

It doesn’t help that we have been so busy this summer that I have been taking phone calls every day for at least a couple of hours every day. Phone calls have always given me anxiety and it amazes me that I survived for over a year exclusivity taking calls before seriously looking for a position that wouldn’t require it ona daily basis.

After the bad emails and several bad phone calls, I got a call from my gynecologist’s nurse giving me lab results. I felt like she basically called me stupid during our conversation. I was probably over reacting, but earlier interactions with people just made me jump to conclusions.

My husband and I have been trying to start a family for the last three years, to no avail. I struggle with this a lot. There is nothing I have ever wanted to be as much as a mother. I get so upset about it sometimes that I avoid looking at friend’s baby pictures and announcements because I just can’t bear to be happy for someone else getting what I want so badly. I dread people asking me questions about when we’ll start having kids. They inevitably do ask. And I feel unbelievably jealous of my sister in law and brother who are currently expecting.

I have never in my life both wished for and dreaded getting my period so much. I wish for it because it means I’m ovulating. I dread it because it means another month of heartache and taking pills that make me moodier than I ever was as a teenager.

There have been other things going on too. Money struggles, family illnesses. I’m trying to move past the hard stuff, but that’s easier said than done. I’m hopeful that getting some of these things down in writing will help me deal with them better.

 

Goals

I’ve struggled in the past five years with writing anything outside of work. I’m hoping to change that, but I don’t expect the change to happen over night. So I’m going to start with a goal to write here twice a week.

I work for a large hotel company in the loyalty rewards office. I started out on the phones and somehow managed to survive taking calls for a little over a year before moving to an email customer service department. That year on the phones was torture for me due to some issues I have with social anxiety and it still amazes me that I lasted so long. Sometimes I still have to take calls when it gets busy and my anxiety ramps up like crazy, but it makes me grateful to be in a department where I can normally just listen to music or books on tape and zone out.

As part of my position, I was asked to help write the majority of the templates other email agents can use to respond to our rewards members. It can be tough and I don’t always feel appreciated, both by our members and by my coworkers, but I love that I get to write and get paid for it.

The problem with writing for work is that sometimes I lose the joy of writing that I have had since elementary school. For as long as I can remember, I have loved both reading and writing. My dream job would be to be a book editor, but I would settle for doing freelance writing or editing.

My parents, especially my mom, instilled a love of reading in me at a young age. I have fond memories of my mom reading out loud to us in the back yard or before bed and eventually my sister and I started reading to eachother. I read most of the Harry Potter books out loud with both my siblings and had so much fun doing it.  I hope to instill the same love of reading and learning in my own children someday.

Inspiration

Recently, my cousin started a blog on here. I’ve been reading a lot of her posts, and they made me start thinking that I have been bogged down in work writing and lost the joy of writing for fun in my spare time and that maybe I should do something about that.

So. Here I am. I’m not sure where this blog take me, but I hope that I’ll be able to start enjoying writing again.

Here’s to starting something new and sharing this with people I don’t know.

First blog post

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